Sunday, June 6, 2021

Chapter 41.28 The bull vs the matador

June 5, 2021 Chapter 41.28

It started off as a semi-normal day. I say semi-normal because I honestly wasn’t prepared for the sh#t show I created in my mind. I should have followed the “red flags” 🚩and stayed home. But I am generally someone who runsπŸƒ‍♀️ straight towards them like a bull uncontrollably drawn to the movement of the cape as the matador whips it around. Most people think it’s the color red the bull is drawn to. However,πŸ‚ bulls are actually color blind so they will charge at any color. What they are actually irritated by is the movement of the matador’s cape as he whips it around. Just like us humans it wouldn’t matter what the “flag” color is if we are not in the right state of mind at the time. Godspeed ahead we too like the bull will charge ahead at the matador not f#cking prepared for the consequence both good or bad. πŸ˜†

To be fair I was having a fairly rough morning to begin with but I won’t dive into that in this chapter πŸ™„ I most likely will need to save that for one of my books.πŸ“š That will be a self-help book I can take my own advice on. 🀣 I have faced a lot of “triggers” over the past 2.5 years since my Dad has passed away πŸ˜­πŸ’” and all have been difficult. Losing my Dad, my best friend, it was as if just overnight my life had changed. My routine is different…. just everything. Nothing can ever be the same, I can’t even describe how the wave 🌊 of emotions can come and go in a splint second both happy and sad. That’s just how grief is, it can f#cking hit you out of nowhere. What I didn’t think about was being at a wedding. πŸ‘° I mean don’t get me wrong, what a beautiful celebration 🍾 it was, and I was happy to be included to be part of it. It is always so nice to see a couple in love making a commitment and celebrating it with family and friends. The ceremony itself if you pay close attention and even though we were outside in what felt like 100 degree temperature I paid close attention. I didn’t mind the heat too much. I love the summer. Anyway if you pay close attention as I did, it is a good reminder of why two crazy love birds 🐦 even get married and what love and commitment really means. It’s not all one-sided but certainly some days it feels that way depending on your circumstance. I know I’ve been there.😩
The wedding continues and then….well I think you can probably guess where I am going with this. Yep you guessed it, the Father ❤️ Daughter dance. I was not prepared for the flood of emotions πŸ˜­πŸ’” that entered so quickly. It was as if I couldn’t breathe. LITERALLY. I mean F#CKING LITERALLY !?!!?! I was trying to hold back my tears. The song playing “Butterfly Kisses”. I thought to myself I don’t even like this song. What the f#ck is wrong with you ? Get your sh#t together !! Get a f#cking grip ! As I tried to manage the flood of emotions, and not begin to hysterically ugly crying in front of a bunch of people, mostly who I didn’t know πŸ˜…. I couldn’t even think, I said I’ve gotta get out of here. I felt like I was in a panic, I have never felt this way before in my life. It was like I was trapped in an elevator and it had no f#cking air on the brink of breaking off from its remaining cable. As I searched for a door to get outside the first one looked like an emergency πŸ†˜ exit so I walked to the next one. I was sure I created a scene 😩 I finally made my way outside a breath of fresh air, and I could breathe. 100 degrees outside and humid and I could breathe more than I could in the A/C if that makes any sense to you great you can explain that sh#t to me. As I sat there collecting my thoughts πŸ’­ I realized I’m still grieving. I felt crazy, I began thinking… What the f#ck is wrong with me😀 ? Why am I freaking out😣 ? Why am I not okay🀯 ? Why am I still sad πŸ₯Ί? I let out a big sign as the tears continued to fall down my face, good thing this 🀣tomboy doesn’t wear makeup πŸ’„I said to myself you know this sh#t you're a therapist you teach it all the time. Why are you losing your sh#t !??? We can know a lot of sh#t it’s really a matter of applying it. Picking up those πŸ› tools from the tool box 🧰 and using them. A lot of people get the impression that a therapist doesn’t have issues. Well jokes on them WE ARE HUMAN TOO 😎 I am double whammed with my social media presence some think the same because of that, I never have financial issues, or grieves with people or life. HAHAHAHAHA well first of all that’s not realistic no matter who you are 🀑 but thanks for glamorizing my life πŸ₯°

Well anyway I took a few deep breaths and realized I am that f#cking bull sitting here color blind to my 🀦🏼‍♀️ surroundings and charging at the matador for waving his cape. I began to challenge what I was thinking. Why was I being so hard on myself ? Why wasn’t it okay to be 😒 sad, who said that and why the f#ck do I care what they think ?!? NOTHING was wrong with me. I’m still healing and truth be told this will be most likely for the rest of my life. I’m going to be triggered by the matador when he waved his cape. There’s nothing wrong with allowing myself to feel, and cry. 😭I’M F#CKING GRIEVING😭 !!?!?? I had a real loss in my life that I will not get back. I am still figuring out how to live my life without the physical presence of my Dad. I’m allowed to be sad, angry and I am allowed to cry. All those things are perfectly normal. Maybe that’s not everyone’s reaction to grief and certainly it’s not been my reaction to every loss I’ve had prior but it is mine this time and it is okay. I should not have to feel bad for missing my Dad and wanting to remember him or for feeling disappointed that at Chapter 41.28 I am not married and if that day ever comesπŸ™„ he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. The problem is as a society we force people to bottle them up ⬆️ because it makes “us” uncomfortable. Well too f#cking bad 😜 That’s where boundaries come into play πŸ‘ŠπŸΌ I can not heal if I am not allowed to feel and if I allow myself to be afraid of storming out of a wedding because someone is going to snicker or make comments (which no one did btw) or any other scenario that may happen in the future.

The truth is I don’t owe anyone an explanation for needing to take care of myself in my healing process whether it’s grief you are going through or something else as long as it’s healthy, neither do you !?! No one will understand this journey πŸš€but me so who better to know what road is to be traveled. Honestly I have no f#cking clue what direction I’m headed sh#t most days I don’t even know what road I’m on, I’m winging it. I do have goals, dreams and I aspire to grow and become a better person which is what I work towards daily πŸ‘‰πŸΌ Personal Growth, so I can be a better version of the me that I was yesterday and to make my Daddy (and my Mama) proud ❤️ I believe that’s how we sort all that sh#t out by trial and error. Follow me on my journey, and if your traveling too maybe we can grow together 🀝 

Eliza Jayne 

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