Friday, August 6, 2021

Chapter 41.90 Threw it back a little [ ok a lot ๐Ÿ™„ hush ๐Ÿค ]

August 6, 2021 Chapter 41.90 
Threw it back a little [ ok a lot ๐Ÿ™„ hush ๐Ÿค] 
to 19 year old me ..... determined, stubborn, sassy, and never took no for an answer ๐Ÿ˜ฌ So proud that no matter how much I’ve wanted to give up because I felt discouraged I never did. ๐Ÿฅฐ There were times I took a break to regroup. If I’m going to be honest there were events and sh#t relationships in my life that I allowed to distract me from myself and even discourage or belittle me from pursuing my dreams. But I learned if you don’t want to be a door mat ya gotta get off the f#cking floor ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผ‍♀️Today I push through that sh#t ...my fears and self doubt [ I can hear some of you rolling your eyes like what doubt does this b#tch have to worry about.. be real we all have insecurities so get over yourself you are not alone ] ๐Ÿ‘ฝ I push through them because I choose to and I use my fears as motivation ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ [ and I’m not saying it’s alwayssss easy ๐Ÿ˜œ] Regardless I keep working on it. Just like when I was 19 years old I am  reaching for the sky because why not, if not now then when ? We get one chance, what are you going to do with your shot ? We can sit around and wish we felt better, complain about this or that. We can listen to doctors and feel sorry for ourselves and focus on this sh#t like “diagnosis codes and labels” and allow that to be an excuse to not move. However b#tching about what you are CHOOSING to not take control of and change is a choice. Sure we all have some kind of f#cking limitation, some more than others but you are limited only by what you allow yourself to believe you are limited by. ๐Ÿ‘๐ŸผYou can choose to find yourself because we all lose sight of who we are it’s pretty common but you don’t have to stay feeling lost. CHALLENGE YOUR THINKING ๐Ÿ’ญWhat are your dreams ? What did you want to be when you grew up ? It’s never too late to pursue literally anything you can dream of. You can change any pattern in your life if YOU are ready. Well, are you ready ? If so take this journey with me you are NOT alone. YOU CAN DO THIS ❣️
xoxo ๐Ÿ’‹ Eliza Jaynehttps://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1Y39xt3lgZ6z7EAsRyj27LucaYqN3BNLR

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Chapter 41.28 The bull vs the matador

June 5, 2021 Chapter 41.28


It started off as a semi-normal day. I say semi-normal because I honestly wasn’t prepared for the sh#t show I created in my mind. I should have followed the “red flags” ๐Ÿšฉand stayed home. But I am generally someone who runs๐Ÿƒ‍♀️ straight towards them like a bull uncontrollably drawn to the movement of the cape as the matador whips it around. Most people think it’s the color red the bull is drawn to. However,๐Ÿ‚ bulls are actually color blind so they will charge at any color. What they are actually irritated by is the movement of the matador’s cape as he whips it around. Just like us humans it wouldn’t matter what the “flag” color is if we are not in the right state of mind at the time. Godspeed ahead we too like the bull will charge ahead at the matador not f#cking prepared for the consequence both good or bad. ๐Ÿ˜†

To be fair I was having a fairly rough morning to begin with but I won’t dive into that in this chapter ๐Ÿ™„ I most likely will need to save that for one of my books.๐Ÿ“š That will be a self-help book I can take my own advice on. ๐Ÿคฃ I have faced a lot of “triggers” over the past 2.5 years since my Dad has passed away ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’” and all have been difficult. Losing my Dad, my best friend, it was as if just overnight my life had changed. My routine is different…. just everything. Nothing can ever be the same, I can’t even describe how the wave ๐ŸŒŠ of emotions can come and go in a splint second both happy and sad. That’s just how grief is, it can f#cking hit you out of nowhere. What I didn’t think about was being at a wedding. ๐Ÿ‘ฐ I mean don’t get me wrong, what a beautiful celebration ๐Ÿพ it was, and I was happy to be included to be part of it. It is always so nice to see a couple in love making a commitment and celebrating it with family and friends. The ceremony itself if you pay close attention and even though we were outside in what felt like 100 degree temperature I paid close attention. I didn’t mind the heat too much. I love the summer. Anyway if you pay close attention as I did, it is a good reminder of why two crazy love birds ๐Ÿฆ even get married and what love and commitment really means. It’s not all one-sided but certainly some days it feels that way depending on your circumstance. I know I’ve been there.๐Ÿ˜ฉ https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=13kTLXp1XEg7LzgQ4Phm4yjaOT3L077ep
The wedding continues and then….well I think you can probably guess where I am going with this. Yep you guessed it, the Father ❤️ Daughter dance. I was not prepared for the flood of emotions ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’” that entered so quickly. It was as if I couldn’t breathe. LITERALLY. I mean F#CKING LITERALLY !?!!?! I was trying to hold back my tears. The song playing “Butterfly Kisses”. I thought to myself I don’t even like this song. What the f#ck is wrong with you ? Get your sh#t together !! Get a f#cking grip ! As I tried to manage the flood of emotions, and not begin to hysterically ugly crying in front of a bunch of people, mostly who I didn’t know ๐Ÿ˜…. I couldn’t even think, I said I’ve gotta get out of here. I felt like I was in a panic, I have never felt this way before in my life. It was like I was trapped in an elevator and it had no f#cking air on the brink of breaking off from its remaining cable. As I searched for a door to get outside the first one looked like an emergency ๐Ÿ†˜ exit so I walked to the next one. I was sure I created a scene ๐Ÿ˜ฉ I finally made my way outside a breath of fresh air, and I could breathe. 100 degrees outside and humid and I could breathe more than I could in the A/C if that makes any sense to you great you can explain that sh#t to me. As I sat there collecting my thoughts ๐Ÿ’ญ I realized I’m still grieving. I felt crazy, I began thinking… What the f#ck is wrong with me๐Ÿ˜ค ? Why am I freaking out๐Ÿ˜ฃ ? Why am I not okay๐Ÿคฏ ? Why am I still sad ๐Ÿฅบ? I let out a big sign as the tears continued to fall down my face, good thing this ๐Ÿคฃtomboy doesn’t wear makeup ๐Ÿ’„I said to myself you know this sh#t you're a therapist you teach it all the time. Why are you losing your sh#t !??? We can know a lot of sh#t it’s really a matter of applying it. Picking up those ๐Ÿ› tools from the tool box ๐Ÿงฐ and using them. A lot of people get the impression that a therapist doesn’t have issues. Well jokes on them WE ARE HUMAN TOO ๐Ÿ˜Ž I am double whammed with my social media presence some think the same because of that, I never have financial issues, or grieves with people or life. HAHAHAHAHA well first of all that’s not realistic no matter who you are ๐Ÿคก but thanks for glamorizing my life ๐Ÿฅฐ

Well anyway I took a few deep breaths and realized I am that f#cking bull sitting here color blind to my ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผ‍♀️ surroundings and charging at the matador for waving his cape. I began to challenge what I was thinking. Why was I being so hard on myself ? Why wasn’t it okay to be ๐Ÿ˜ข sad, who said that and why the f#ck do I care what they think ?!? NOTHING was wrong with me. I’m still healing and truth be told this will be most likely for the rest of my life. I’m going to be triggered by the matador when he waved his cape. There’s nothing wrong with allowing myself to feel, and cry. ๐Ÿ˜ญI’M F#CKING GRIEVING๐Ÿ˜ญ !!?!?? I had a real loss in my life that I will not get back. I am still figuring out how to live my life without the physical presence of my Dad. I’m allowed to be sad, angry and I am allowed to cry. All those things are perfectly normal. Maybe that’s not everyone’s reaction to grief and certainly it’s not been my reaction to every loss I’ve had prior but it is mine this time and it is okay. I should not have to feel bad for missing my Dad and wanting to remember him or for feeling disappointed that at Chapter 41.28 I am not married and if that day ever comes๐Ÿ™„ he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. The problem is as a society we force people to bottle them up ⬆️ because it makes “us” uncomfortable. Well too f#cking bad ๐Ÿ˜œ That’s where boundaries come into play ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿผ I can not heal if I am not allowed to feel and if I allow myself to be afraid of storming out of a wedding because someone is going to snicker or make comments (which no one did btw) or any other scenario that may happen in the future.

The truth is I don’t owe anyone an explanation for needing to take care of myself in my healing process whether it’s grief you are going through or something else as long as it’s healthy, neither do you !?! No one will understand this journey ๐Ÿš€but me so who better to know what road is to be traveled. Honestly I have no f#cking clue what direction I’m headed sh#t most days I don’t even know what road I’m on, I’m winging it. I do have goals, dreams and I aspire to grow and become a better person which is what I work towards daily ๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿผ Personal Growth, so I can be a better version of the me that I was yesterday and to make my Daddy (and my Mama) proud ❤️ I believe that’s how we sort all that sh#t out by trial and error. Follow me on my journey, and if your traveling too maybe we can grow together ๐Ÿค 

Eliza Jayne 

Chapter 41.1 When you thought I wasn't looking.

May 9, 2021 Chapter 41.1 Mothers Day Reflection


When you thought I wasn’t looking I watched you give more then you ever got back in return๐Ÿ’™ I learned that giving isn’t about receiving.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you pray over me and kiss me goodnight. ๐Ÿ™๐ŸผI felt loved & safe. ๐Ÿ˜˜

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you handled life’s responsibilities even when you didn’t feel good ๐Ÿค’ or were really overwhelmed and alone. I learned what it meant to hold yourself accountable. ☝๐Ÿผ

When you thought I wasn’t looking I noticed the notes ๐Ÿ“ you left in my lunch box at school. I learned that it’s really the little things that matter most. ๐Ÿ’ฅ

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears roll down your cheeks ๐Ÿ’”I learned that sometimes things hurt but it is okay to cry ๐Ÿ˜ข

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you cared ๐Ÿค— It drove me and continues to drive me to become everything I can. ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you pray to God ๐Ÿ˜‡ I learned that connecting with God isn’t about just about going to church.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, ๐ŸฅฐI looked at you and wanted to say Thank You for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

๐ŸŒนHAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MOM ❤️

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MAMA ๐Ÿ˜œ E-LIZ-A-BETH๐Ÿคฃ

๐ŸŒนEliza Jayne

May 8, 2021 - Chapter 41


 May 8, 2021 - Chapter 41

Wow๐Ÿ˜ฑ I can’t begin to even tell you where I thought I would be at this chapter in my life well probably๐Ÿ‘ต๐Ÿป old as f#ck. Truth be told I am not certain that I ever thought that far ahead๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผ‍♀️.. literally like EVERRRR. Like most women I would have assumed the typical things I would have been long ๐Ÿ’married by now, and certainly I never thought I would be confident enough to model in lingerie๐Ÿ‘™ ads much less wear them. Society gives us this false sense of who we should be and become as we grow up. Like there are certain milestones to hit at specific time frames in your life. Then if you do not meet those milestones, somehow you are less than. I say wtf ever, because clearly at chapter 41 in my life I’ve had a lot of growth.๐Ÿฅฐ There for it is a success for me because it is my life and there is no other me so why the F#ck would I compare it to someone else’s life. Now don’t get me wrong just like everyone else I still have a lot of growing to do, I don’t think that growth will ever end and honestly it shouldn’t for any of us. I can honestly say I never thought at 41 I would be ๐Ÿ˜ญmourning the loss of my ๐Ÿ’š Dad, that has been the greatest ๐Ÿ’” heartbreak I’ve ever known, if only I had one more day, in reality I would settle for 60 seconds. Guess that is why this moment is called the present and we should learn to cherish it as such, but sadly we get caught up in our day to day lives that we do not realize how rapidly it flies by us.

ElizaJayne.com

 I have so much to be grateful for in my life. My Mom has taught me so many things including what strength and resilience really means and I am not even sure I’ve ever told her. Having grown up with 3 ๐Ÿ‘ฏ‍♀️๐Ÿ‘ฏ‍♀️ Sisters has definitely been an experience in itself especially when you are a tomboy. Then the blessing of finding out I have a Big Brother after my dad passed, what a miracle ๐Ÿ˜‡ if that isn’t a God Wink๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ I don’t know what is. Although throughout my life I have always been spiritual my path in being close with God has certainly had its ups and downs. You know the scenarios smiting him when things do not go your way or he does not grant your prayer. How childish right ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผ‍♀️?? As you grow you learn that isn’t how it works, you have to do the work as well. We are given all the ๐Ÿ›  tools right in front of us and we beg God or someone else to do the work then place blame when the work isn’t done or it doesn’t turn out the way we wanted. So much for personal accountability๐Ÿ˜…, it’s time to calm our own sh#t. I’ve learned that once you take control of your own life and focus on what you are in control of, which is never other people๐Ÿ˜œ. I know it sounds great but on the flip they would be able to control you and I say f#ck that. I’ll learn to regulate my own emotions๐Ÿ˜ฌ. That is when life gets better, when you take responsibility for your life and live it. Hold yourself accountable for your choices both good and bad and calm your sh#t. Let’s live in the present and enjoy today because you never know that may be the last day we have together. Let’s learn to Calm Our Sh#t together๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ and with the ☀️sunrise and๐ŸŒ• sunset everyday find something to be ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ Grateful for. Here’s to Chapter 41, and to writing, learning and growing the next chapter. ❤️Thank you all for your support and love through all of these chapters and the many chapters to come. Love: Eliza Jayne ๐Ÿ˜˜ Business Inquiries: Bookings@ElizaJayne.com

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Gratitude & Grief

It has been 9 going on 10 months since I lost my dad, my best friend and my hero. It feels like yesterday, although some days feel a little easier to get through then others. Seems appropriate that I would make my first post on thanksgiving. Since this holiday is about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, even grateful for the solo time I spent with my dad the last few years following his illness. But grief is very hard. I think if you have never really been through it you would not understand what that is like. We deal with loss on a daily basis, losing friends, changing jobs, a lot of things can be listed under loss. Death of a loved one is definitely at the top of my list.

Someone said to me the other day that grief is selfish, now mind you it took all I had to keep my big mouth zipped when they said that. They said it selfish because you want that person in your life and you aren't happy for their moving to the next phase or resting place. Interesting enough my grief is not all about me. I feel sad that my dad will never meet his grandchildren. I feel disappointed for him that he had to pass away at such a young age and was not able to experience a life as long as others, and yes I grieve because I miss him and his presence. How are those things selfish I thought.

As a therapist I thought I knew what grief was and what it felt like, I had suffered losses in my life before, Grandparents, Aunt's, Uncle's but this was different. This loss cut way deeper, the scar that this has left is not the same and I am still learning how to work through the emotional emptiness it has left. The way we treat grief is wrong, it's not something we even talk about in society. Maybe that is part of the problem, we are in a society of instant gratification and do not allow ourselves to feel. We develop coping skills and then never process the subject that we needed the coping skill for in the first place. A bubble bath isn't going to resolve any unresolved feelings or issues long term. It is a simple solution in the moment so that you can get a grip. But what about identifying the source of your feelings and working through them, actually feeling them.

I am truly grateful for the time I had to spend with my dad, and I am happy that I was able to be there for him during such a trying time in his life. I am blessed in that aspect but that does not lessen my grief. You see it is not something that ever goes away. A deep loss will change you, and stay with you forever. It was almost in an instant that I saw things differently, and I think as time goes on, I will continue to change because of that loss.

I would love to hear your thought on your journey in grieving.



Chapter 41.90 Threw it back a little [ ok a lot ๐Ÿ™„ hush ๐Ÿค ]

August 6, 2021 Chapter 41.90  Threw it back a little [ ok a lot ๐Ÿ™„ hush ๐Ÿค]  to 19 year old me ..... determined, stubborn, sassy, and never ...